One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200
bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000
mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until
Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said,
"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some
other time. 
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his
belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him where he was going and Johnny said,
"I was walking past your room, and heard you say that you were pulling out, and
mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll
get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!" 

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a
glass of water. Hearing alot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his
folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "oh boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy can i ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not
asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees... 
Johnny hops on daddy starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning
and gasping.. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, daddy! this is the part where me and
the milkman usually get bucked off..." 

Little Johnny walks in on his father taking a shower and asks, "Daddy, can I take a
shower with you?" His father replies, "Only if you don't look down" Johnny agrees,
but after a couple minutes, Little Johnny was tempted so he looked down. He
asked, " DADDY!!! What's that?!" and his dad replies, "Uh......it's a snake son." 
The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mother taking a shower and he asks,
"Mommy, can I take a shower with you?" His mother replies, "Sure. But don't look
up or down." As before, Little Johnny agrees, but soon is curious again. When he
looked down he asked, MOMMY!!! What's that?!" and his mom replies,
"Uh.........it's grass honey." Then Little Johnny looks up and asks," MOMMY,
what are those?!" and his mother replies, " Uh.........they are headlights." 
The next day, Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom because of a storm. He
asks, "Can I sleep with you? I'm scared." So his parents agree. A little later, Johhny
was awoken. Then he exclaimed, "MOMMY, MOMMY, TURN ON THE
HEADLIGHTS. THE SNAKE'S IN THE GRASS!!!!!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mothers
bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and saying , "I need a man, I need a man." 
Over the next couple months he saw her doing this several times. One day, he
came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her room he
saw a man on top of her. 
Little Johnny ran to his room, took off his cloths, threw himself on his bed and
started stroking himself and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had
been hearing quite a bit about COURTING from older boys and he wondered
what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother,
who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told
him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her
boyfriend, and this he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to
his mother....... 
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the
lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick
because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he
put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except,
he is not as good as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her
heart. 
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting
and getting all out of breathe. His other hand must have been cold, because he put
it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and
squirm around and slide towards the end of the couch. This was when the fever
started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. 
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick, a big eel had gotten inside his
pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches
long. HONEST!!! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. 
Then sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big, her mouth was open and
she screamed out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had
ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. 
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting the head off. All of a
sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. 
Then, she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of
his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. 
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped
by lying on top of the eel. 
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between
them. 
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up
from the couch, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung
there, and some of its insides were hanging out. 
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It
started to straighten up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats, they
must have nine lives or something. 
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes,
they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw sis's boyfriend peel the
skin off and flush it down the toilet.

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to
reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking
about." 
"Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but
the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered "An
apple." 
"No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,
and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat
trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. 
"Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's
another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." 
By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher
skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies,
"it's a squash, but I like your thinking." 
Jonny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you
teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and
it's got a head on it." 
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but
I like your thinking!"   

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and
girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about
this." 
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and
closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he
unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. 
"Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..."
which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny
finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes
to school any more!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted
to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. 
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first
because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises
the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart
goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. 
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm
not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to
heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher
asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was
walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air
and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'" 

One day little Johnny comes home from school early and finds his dad and the maid
on top of his parents bed.Johnny decides to go downstairs and wait for his mother
to come home.When his mother comes home Johnny can't wait to tell her.
"Mommy,I saw daddy and the maid---" 
"Just wait until tonight when the maid is serving dinner and I'll wink at you so you
can tell me the story." It's now dinner time and the maid is serving dinner.Johnny's
mother winks at him so he begans his story. "When I got home early from school
today I saw daddy and the maid on top of the bed.They were doing just what you
and Uncle Dave were doing last summer at the cottage."